Football
Chelsea vs Arsenal and commentator Jonathan Pearce kicks off by highlighting that this is only the fifth time Arsenal have faced Chelsea while topping the league (and they have won on all four previous occasions). Later he will point out that Chelsea’s Estevao is the third teenager and second-youngest player to score in each of his first three Champions League starts.
Pierce isn’t the only offender – Sam Matterface is absolutely obsessed with this kind of bollocks. Why does anyone think that anyone is interested in this level of details, and more to the point who is spending their presumably lonely evenings collating it? It’s not necessary and it needs to stop. Along with the notion that football was invented by Sky in 1992…
One week later Pearce will observe of Arsenal that they have won their last seven fixtures at the Emirates when playing against teams starting in the bottom three of the Premier League. No shit…
It’s the same with assists. Whenever Dad and I go to the football (which, given we are season ticket holders is quite often) we always jump up when someone scores a goal. And then, if it wasn’t already clear to both of us, one of us will go “who was it that scored”? Neither of us has ever followed up that question with “oh, and who touched the ball last before him?” Nobody who sits near us has even asked that question either. In fact, I doubt whether any football fan in the history of the game has ever asked that question.
Ah, I hear you say, but it is important if you are doing Fantasy League stuff, or betting. Yes it is – but your interest there derives from your sad Fantasy League/betting obsession, not from your love of football. No fan gives a shit about assists and watching Sky’s team of analysts wanking themselves to death over whether Bruno Fernandez was going to set a new record for assists during 2025-26 was just embarrassing.
And while I’m here, stop banging on about refereeing decisions and VAR. The biggest improvement to football could be made overnight by the introduction of one simple rule: If a player is challenged for the ball and goes down, no foul shall be deemed to have been committed if, in the opinion of the referee and all sensibly-minded people, said player could have stayed on his feet. The real issue with the game isn’t the refereeing or VAR – it’s the simulation, the “winning” of free-kicks and the playacting committed by people who, out of everyone in the population, should have a better sense of balance than most.
Tank tops
Very popular in the 70s, especially at the home of Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page (look up the photos online) but then bizarrely fell out of fashion with everybody except people who play cricket. Odd that there is no such thing as a “cricket gilet”…
The worst people in the world part 1 – Fly Tippers
You have to be a really arrogant twat to just throw rubbish out of your car window and assume someone else will clear it up for you. This is the only explanation as to why road sides are full of trash. Sometimes you see scout troops or volunteers picking up litter from the sides of the roads and it’s all very admirable but I always think “you shouldn’t have to do that”. It doesn’t seem to happen in other countries so why does it happen in ours. I wonder….
And if you really have time to pack a washing machine into a vehicle, drive somewhere out of the way in the dead of night and dump it by the side of the road you a) clearly have too much time on your hands b) have no sense of responsibility and therefore shouldn’t be allowed to drive the vehicle and c) are a twat.
How insurance works…
Driver A is low risk. Experienced and with over 15 years of no claims. Driver B is a twat, with nine points on his licence and a lack of attention when attending speed awareness courses. The insurer assesses the annual premium for Driver A at £200 and for Driver B at £1,200.
But wait!! Driver B isn’t going to pay that! If we do not act responsibly, Driver B might not take out insurance and drive illegally. Or worse, may transfer to another insurer. Thankfully there is a solution to this – bill Driver B just £900 but increase Driver A’s premium to £500.
This is called spreading the risk – or rather, getting Driver A to pay for the fact that Driver B is a twat. I am happy for any insurance broker to explain to me that this isn’t how it works, but given that this was in fact explained to me by an insurance broker…
Hurricanes
Apparently more people die in hurricanes named after females than after males. This is because people think female hurricanes are more friendly….
Dog Waste
There is a sign on the bin in the local park which states “Bagged Dog Waste Only”. I don’t know where to start…
Surely the word “bagged” is unnecessary? I mean who puts it in the bin without using a bag?? Someone who presumably has no bags with them at all, but just happens to have brought a set of tongs with them. And what happens in the admittedly unlikely scenario where your faithful friends leaps on top of the open bin and starts curling one out. Do you rush, bag in hand, to catch his offerings before they fall in, or just hope that no-ones looking. Actually we’d probably all film it.
More to the point, who actually goes to the trouble of bagging dog waste and then leaving the bag where it is? Surely the hard work has been done by this point. Unless of course the owner has trained the dog to shit in a bag and then tie it up, but hasn’t trained the dog in how to then place the bag in the bin. If it’s this, there are a lot of dogs who have passed the GCSE in dog waste, but haven’t mastered the A level. It’s probably not that though. It’s probably because the owner is a twat…